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Posts Tagged ‘Satirical Piece

The IPL marketing managers have, so far, failed to arouse both interest and enthusiasm amongst the viewers. How they are going to grab the eyeballs is a million dollar question on every one’s mind. If, at all, IPL has dominated the news headlines; it has done so for all the wrong reasons. A couple of days ago there was a news item about the Sri Lankan players not allowed to play the IPL matches in Chennai.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the politicians have started using IPL as a tool to settle their political scores. Cricketers and the cricket managers have been deprived of an opportunity to milk IPL for their personal popularity and gains. Be that as it may, the fact that IPL is likely to prove to be a damp squib this time around has left the organisers a worried lot. Suddenly they have realised that the cricket fatigue is setting and the upcoming edition of IPL is yet to find many takers.

Since the stakes are high and big bucks are riding on the success of this IPL tournament, the strategy makers have gone into a huddle so as to come out with a winning formula that makes this edition of IPL a super success. The major stakeholders in IPL are not the players but beleaguered businessman like Vijay Mallya who is hoping that his team RCB will turn around the fortunes of debt ridden KFA and employees will finally receive their much awaited salaries.

In terms of debts, inflated egos, political rivalries and sinking popularity, there is indeed a lot that is at stake with regards to IPL. This IPL edition is a make or break for many stakeholders including players in more ways than one. Keeping all these factors in mind, the marketing in-charge of IPL has got a few game changing ideas in one of the brain storming sessions.

This self proclaimed reporter filed an RTI to get the minutes of the strategy meet of the IPL marketing team. According to the highly confidential documents available with this reporter, in the said meeting, a unanimous decision has been taken to withdraw all TV commercials featuring Farah Khan whose irritating dance moves have enraged the viewers world wide. There were reports of a few frustrated viewers having smashed their TV sets as soon as the ad had appeared on their TV screens. Somehow the IPL organising committee managed to stop those news items from making it to the headlines of the newspapers and TV news channels. 

However, with less than a week to go before the IPL tournament gets underway, all is not lost. The think tank has been surfing the latest trends in the cyberspace. The startling revelation is Justice Katju. His open letters have got an uncanny knack of ending up as the talk of the nation. These MBA guys have reportedly roped in Mr. Justice Katju to write an open letter to the cricket lovers. In his soon to come out open letter – the draft of which is being carefully reviewed – he is going to cite example of how this IPL edition is different from the previous ones and why watching IPL will improve the overall IQ of the nation and how each countryman will be doing a great service to the nation by watching those games.

This move will really hit the bull’s eye and do wonders for IPL and its popularity. In addition to Katju’s open letter, Sanjay Dutt has been roped in to file a petition in the court requesting that he be granted time till IPL is over to surrender. In the run up to the final date of IPL, a lot many things are expected to make the IPL tournament the top most trending topics across various online social  platforms.

Marketing is an art of making the shit hit the fan. Once the shit hits the fan, there’s no looking back. The IPL marketers are just going to do that. After all, isn’t everything fair in love and war?

Pakistan Taliban is known for the blood shed. It believes in ruling the people of Pakistan by wielding swords and automatic machine guns. Today much dreaded Taliban ended up as a butt of ridicule. The reason for this was its threat to the Ex-General in exile Musharraf.

Taliban grabbed the headlines world wide when it threatened to dispatch Musharraf to hell upon his return to Pakistan on Sunday. International political analysts have observed time and again that Pakistan is a hell on the earth. If this is true, then how can Taliban threaten to send Musharraf to hell when he lands into hell?

Has Taliban misunderstood the phrase ‘out of fire and into the frying pan’? Musharraf has been cooling his heels in London which is like a heaven. It is in London where he holds Mushayras and visits India to give interviews to the TV news channels. When he is not holding Mushayras and talking to Barkhas and Rajdeeps, he is listening to Mukesh’s songs on his iPod. Musharraf is a self-confessed die-hard Mukesh fan.

Many in his own country consider Musharraf to be a spent force. His charisma has run its course. No one is bothered whether Musharraf stays or goes. Then why is Taliban making a fool of itself by issuing threat to Pervez Musharraf the Ex-General-cum-Ex-Self-Appointed-President and now in self-imposed exile? As such Musharraf has shown his willingness to head for hell by declaring to come out of the self-imposed exile?

Which hell is Taliban talking about here? This time around the joke is on Taliban itself. The Taliban observers are also confused at this gaffe. Is Taliban trying to woo people by tickling their funny bones? And was this why it chose a word like ‘hell’ in its threat to Musharraf? Many doubt that given Musharraf’s hunger for grabbing the limelight at all costs, it won’t be surprising if the details of secret deals emerge between Taliban and him after some time.

The threat has undoubtedly got many knickers in a twist. Musharraf’s timing to return to Pakistan has got to do a lot with the upcoming elections. The Ex-General firmly believes that there are many years of politicking left in him. That he can prove to be a better alternative than Imran Khan, Asif Ali Zardari and Nawaz Sharif put together.

However, people of Pakistan think otherwise. They want Musharraf to stay where he is.  To create a sympathy wave in his favour, the possibilities of him having struck a secret deal with Taliban cannot be ruled out. He wants Taliban to issue multiple threats to him on the eve of his arrival.

If the call to assassinate Musharraf is given, people of Pakistan will feel sudden pangs of sympathy for him. They will throng the airport to receive him. A few over zealous supporters will roll out a red carpet for him. These are the calculations running across in ever scheming mind of Musharraf. Whether this really happens or not remains to be seen. The fact is the threat from Taliban has kicked alive the interest in both Musharraf and his much publicised return to his homeland from exile.

If Pakistan Taliban is serious about its image of hell raiser, it should engage the services of a good PR agency. The PR Machinery will prepare the carefully worded threats to be issued to the politicians, ex or serving army generals and cricketers. At least, those professionals will choose the words carefully and save Taliban the blushes. If it ever happens, Pakistan Taliban will be the first terrorist organisation in the world to have its own PR Machinery.

Even as Musharraf prepares to return home amidst threats to his life, the powers that be in Pakistan ought to look the other way. The care taker (yet to be appointed) PM’s first challenge is going to be how cleverly he will distance himself from both this threat and Taliban. Perhaps he will do well to deny the existence of Taliban on their soil. Asif Ali Zardari is also around to give his valuable inputs. The care taker PM may also hint at the involvement of non-state actors in this entire threat business after taking a cue from Mr. Ten Percent.

Musharraf is a non-state actor. Taliban is a non-state entity. Pakistan is a failed state. Its terrain is a hell on the earth. Then also the world is interested in its affairs. Musharraf and Taliban have provided hilarious moments in the course of the day. Laughter is what matters the most. Musharraf’s return to hell is going to be both remarkable and exciting.


@GheTa

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