Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

The IPL marketing managers have, so far, failed to arouse both interest and enthusiasm amongst the viewers. How they are going to grab the eyeballs is a million dollar question on every one’s mind. If, at all, IPL has dominated the news headlines; it has done so for all the wrong reasons. A couple of days ago there was a news item about the Sri Lankan players not allowed to play the IPL matches in Chennai.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the politicians have started using IPL as a tool to settle their political scores. Cricketers and the cricket managers have been deprived of an opportunity to milk IPL for their personal popularity and gains. Be that as it may, the fact that IPL is likely to prove to be a damp squib this time around has left the organisers a worried lot. Suddenly they have realised that the cricket fatigue is setting and the upcoming edition of IPL is yet to find many takers.

Since the stakes are high and big bucks are riding on the success of this IPL tournament, the strategy makers have gone into a huddle so as to come out with a winning formula that makes this edition of IPL a super success. The major stakeholders in IPL are not the players but beleaguered businessman like Vijay Mallya who is hoping that his team RCB will turn around the fortunes of debt ridden KFA and employees will finally receive their much awaited salaries.

In terms of debts, inflated egos, political rivalries and sinking popularity, there is indeed a lot that is at stake with regards to IPL. This IPL edition is a make or break for many stakeholders including players in more ways than one. Keeping all these factors in mind, the marketing in-charge of IPL has got a few game changing ideas in one of the brain storming sessions.

This self proclaimed reporter filed an RTI to get the minutes of the strategy meet of the IPL marketing team. According to the highly confidential documents available with this reporter, in the said meeting, a unanimous decision has been taken to withdraw all TV commercials featuring Farah Khan whose irritating dance moves have enraged the viewers world wide. There were reports of a few frustrated viewers having smashed their TV sets as soon as the ad had appeared on their TV screens. Somehow the IPL organising committee managed to stop those news items from making it to the headlines of the newspapers and TV news channels. 

However, with less than a week to go before the IPL tournament gets underway, all is not lost. The think tank has been surfing the latest trends in the cyberspace. The startling revelation is Justice Katju. His open letters have got an uncanny knack of ending up as the talk of the nation. These MBA guys have reportedly roped in Mr. Justice Katju to write an open letter to the cricket lovers. In his soon to come out open letter – the draft of which is being carefully reviewed – he is going to cite example of how this IPL edition is different from the previous ones and why watching IPL will improve the overall IQ of the nation and how each countryman will be doing a great service to the nation by watching those games.

This move will really hit the bull’s eye and do wonders for IPL and its popularity. In addition to Katju’s open letter, Sanjay Dutt has been roped in to file a petition in the court requesting that he be granted time till IPL is over to surrender. In the run up to the final date of IPL, a lot many things are expected to make the IPL tournament the top most trending topics across various online social  platforms.

Marketing is an art of making the shit hit the fan. Once the shit hits the fan, there’s no looking back. The IPL marketers are just going to do that. After all, isn’t everything fair in love and war?

Pakistan Taliban is known for the blood shed. It believes in ruling the people of Pakistan by wielding swords and automatic machine guns. Today much dreaded Taliban ended up as a butt of ridicule. The reason for this was its threat to the Ex-General in exile Musharraf.

Taliban grabbed the headlines world wide when it threatened to dispatch Musharraf to hell upon his return to Pakistan on Sunday. International political analysts have observed time and again that Pakistan is a hell on the earth. If this is true, then how can Taliban threaten to send Musharraf to hell when he lands into hell?

Has Taliban misunderstood the phrase ‘out of fire and into the frying pan’? Musharraf has been cooling his heels in London which is like a heaven. It is in London where he holds Mushayras and visits India to give interviews to the TV news channels. When he is not holding Mushayras and talking to Barkhas and Rajdeeps, he is listening to Mukesh’s songs on his iPod. Musharraf is a self-confessed die-hard Mukesh fan.

Many in his own country consider Musharraf to be a spent force. His charisma has run its course. No one is bothered whether Musharraf stays or goes. Then why is Taliban making a fool of itself by issuing threat to Pervez Musharraf the Ex-General-cum-Ex-Self-Appointed-President and now in self-imposed exile? As such Musharraf has shown his willingness to head for hell by declaring to come out of the self-imposed exile?

Which hell is Taliban talking about here? This time around the joke is on Taliban itself. The Taliban observers are also confused at this gaffe. Is Taliban trying to woo people by tickling their funny bones? And was this why it chose a word like ‘hell’ in its threat to Musharraf? Many doubt that given Musharraf’s hunger for grabbing the limelight at all costs, it won’t be surprising if the details of secret deals emerge between Taliban and him after some time.

The threat has undoubtedly got many knickers in a twist. Musharraf’s timing to return to Pakistan has got to do a lot with the upcoming elections. The Ex-General firmly believes that there are many years of politicking left in him. That he can prove to be a better alternative than Imran Khan, Asif Ali Zardari and Nawaz Sharif put together.

However, people of Pakistan think otherwise. They want Musharraf to stay where he is.  To create a sympathy wave in his favour, the possibilities of him having struck a secret deal with Taliban cannot be ruled out. He wants Taliban to issue multiple threats to him on the eve of his arrival.

If the call to assassinate Musharraf is given, people of Pakistan will feel sudden pangs of sympathy for him. They will throng the airport to receive him. A few over zealous supporters will roll out a red carpet for him. These are the calculations running across in ever scheming mind of Musharraf. Whether this really happens or not remains to be seen. The fact is the threat from Taliban has kicked alive the interest in both Musharraf and his much publicised return to his homeland from exile.

If Pakistan Taliban is serious about its image of hell raiser, it should engage the services of a good PR agency. The PR Machinery will prepare the carefully worded threats to be issued to the politicians, ex or serving army generals and cricketers. At least, those professionals will choose the words carefully and save Taliban the blushes. If it ever happens, Pakistan Taliban will be the first terrorist organisation in the world to have its own PR Machinery.

Even as Musharraf prepares to return home amidst threats to his life, the powers that be in Pakistan ought to look the other way. The care taker (yet to be appointed) PM’s first challenge is going to be how cleverly he will distance himself from both this threat and Taliban. Perhaps he will do well to deny the existence of Taliban on their soil. Asif Ali Zardari is also around to give his valuable inputs. The care taker PM may also hint at the involvement of non-state actors in this entire threat business after taking a cue from Mr. Ten Percent.

Musharraf is a non-state actor. Taliban is a non-state entity. Pakistan is a failed state. Its terrain is a hell on the earth. Then also the world is interested in its affairs. Musharraf and Taliban have provided hilarious moments in the course of the day. Laughter is what matters the most. Musharraf’s return to hell is going to be both remarkable and exciting.

Respected Honourable Justice Katju Sir,

The world would have been such a sadder place, had you not been around. You have been tirelessly entertaining your countrymen for past few months. Though 90% of Indians are idiots, they love you for providing hilarious moments full of the humour that has come to be the very hallmark of your personality.

The entire film fraternity has expressed outrage and shock at the Supreme Court that has upheld the film actor Sanjay Dutt’s conviction. The court has granted him five years rigorous imprisonment. By now everyone knows what Sanjay Dutt was found guilty of doing. There’s no need to repeat those details here.

Sir, you have really stirred the hornet’s nest by demanding that Sanjay Dutt should be forgiven. According to you he has already suffered enough. His ordeals have become the stuff the legends are made up of. The country is surprised to know that you have a soft spot in your heart for Sanjay Dutt. That’s really so nice of you.

Ever since you’ve observed that 90% of Indians are idiots, those 90% of Indians had been wondering whether you belonged to that group of 90% or not. But now the whole country has heaved a sigh of relief that you too are very much a part of the elite club of those 90% idiots.

You are seeking pardon for Sanjay Dutt on various grounds. Those grounds indicate how deeply you have studied the enigma called Sanjay Dutt before dashing off that letter to the governor of Maharashtra. Please forgive me for being obnoxious. But the fact is Sanjay Dutt is a father of three children, and not two; as you have wrongly written in your letter.

This is, however, a small error that can be overlooked since film stars tend to have colourful lives. And the number of how many children they have fathered is always under constant speculation. Having said this the most hilarious ground is since Sanjay Dutt revived the memories of Bapu – the father of our nation – through his portrayal of Munnabhai character in Lagey Raho Munnabhai, he is eligible for mercy.

This ground has left no one in doubt that we Indians are really idiots. Do we really need someone like Sanjay Dutt to remind us of Bapu’s huge legacy? If we want to remember Bapu, all we need to do is take a look at a ten rupee note. Bapu is aways there for us printed on the Indian currency notes observing silently how we spend our money.

Sir, you are a man of impeccable integrity. You neither seek (intentionally) publicity nor spend money. This is precisely why it took a convicted brat like Sanju Baba to remind you of Bapu. More power to your idiocy, sir. You have made every idiot world wide hugely proud of you.

Please continue to entertain your countrymen like this forever. In these strife torn and inflation ridden times, all we can afford is a few moments of harmless laughter. Only you can provide us those lighter moments. I would also like to congratulate you for showing the publicity hungry masses how to generate publicity without coming across as someone who is hungry for publicity. How to manufacture controversies has come to be an art. You are the master of manufacturing controversies and thereby gaining unlimited publicity.

Kudos to your penchant for managing to stay in the limelight through all the seasons.

Best Wishes for future heroics.

Yours Truly.

An Idiot.

Buoyed by the success of today’s rally in New Delhi, the Bihar CM Nitish Kumar’s PR Machinery has planned a few more things to keep Nitish Kumar in spotlight in the build-up to the 2014 General Elections.

The purpose of today’s rally was to request the Centre to grant the special status to Bihar. Nitish Kumar exerted the pressure on the mild mannered and ever silent PM by saying that his support is going to be crucial in the formation of government at Centre in 2014.

By this bold assertion, the insiders say that Nitish Kumar is hoping to jolt the PM into speaking a few words. The whole nation has been eagerly waiting for the PM to say something on the rising prices of essential commodities. Many employees working in the sales and marketing field have abandoned their two wheelers since they cannot afford costly petrol any longer. It is important to note that every other week the price of petrol receives a silent hike of minimum three rupees.

Nitish Kumar is also going to firmly advocate the use of cycles. In a unique move, he plans to urge the Centre to build high quality tar roads across the country so that he can promise skating shoes to the potential voters. He wants to see people going to work not on two wheelers but on skating shoes.

Nobody can match Nitish Kumar’s grand vision for the country as of now. He also plans to unveil a brand new development model for the country. His development model will be inclusive for all. He staunchly believes that development must be for all and it must affect everyone equally.

The way he wants PM to grant special status to his state, he wants Prabhu Deva to teach dancing skills to every child below the poverty line. This will be easier for the poor children to dance to the tunes of his party when they grow up.

His office has contacted Shah Rukh Khan to teach acting skills to the people living in underprivileged conditions. The advantage of this move will be when the media tours his state to gauge the progress made under Nitish Kumar’s rule and visits slums to interview people living there, they can act as if they are living in a palace to hoodwink the mediapersons

The rumour has it that the latest batting sensation Shikhar Dhawan is roped in to teach cricket and fast running between the wickets to the workers from the rival parties. This will help them run furiously when the police resort to lathi charge to disperse the protesting crowd outside the CM’s bungalow under Nitish Kumar’s tutelage.

Nitish Kumar is looking to go in for a complete image make over. He wants people of India to be happier and more productive. He wants his countrymen to have a dynamic PM in 2014. He will do all he can to make that charismatic leader PM in 2014. That’s the promise made in his election manifesto scheduled for a release pretty soon.

Many well wishers are delighted at the emergence of new Nitish Kumar that is likely to herald the dawn of a new political chapter in the Hindi heartland. However, they are skeptical about his attempts to make the current PM say a few things.

In the recent past, Italy tried its level best to hear the voice of our PM. When everything else failed, it gave those two Marines orders to go absconding. Italy thought such a grave provocation would make PM roar like a lion. And the entire world will be forced to listen to him. But nothing happened as PM declined to break his vow of silence.

Nitish Kumar’s well wishers hope that Nitish Kumar has embarked upon a challenging journey. It is possible to make mountains move. But it is impossible to make our PM speak. Nitish Kumar is an astute politician and the hope is that PM’s silence will not deter him from his brave mission to gift India with a charismatic PM in near future.

Today is a very proud day of all the Congress leaders and party workers. For past twelve hours Rahul Gandhi as PM has been trending on Twitter. This is thanks to the Chintan Shivir happening at Jaipur.

All the Congress party leaders went into a huddle at this Chintan Shivir. The agenda of this Shivir was to formulate strategies for the upcoming general elections. The sources within party have confirmed that all the leaders are seriously concerned with the growing phenomenon of the Gujarat CM Narendra Modi who is going to emerge as the most formidable force as the PM in the run-up to the next general elections.

On the condition of anonymity many senior Congress leaders have spoken to this observer. Off the record they have agreed that Rahul Gandhi’s chances of becoming PM are as slim as Deepika Padukone’s waist at least in the next general elections.

Besides there are many senior leaders within the grand old party who have been secretly dreaming of becoming the PM themselves. This is precisely why time and again they end up giving statements in the media saying that Rahul Gandhi should take over and all such sugary sweet stuff. In reality what they mean is it is they who should take over.

But nobody is ready to state the obvious as they strongly feel that they have still few years of politicking left in them. Nobody wants to tick off the High Command and shoot himself in the foot. As such the terms’retirement’ and ‘resignation’ are anathemas in the lexicon of Indian politicians.

Keeping the current mood of the nation in mind, these conniving and conspiring senior Congress leaders came up with a brilliant idea ahead of the much talked about Chintan Shivir. Mr. Kapil Sibbal is on friendly terms with the Twitter guys in the US where their servers are located.

In cahoots with Shashi Tharoor, Diggi Raja, AMS, PCC and few others Sibbal sa’ab sent a request to his friends in Twitter to allow ‘Rahul Gandhi as PM’ to trend for a day. Rahul Gandhi cannot become PM but he can definitely trend as PM on Twitter. This will jolt all the world leaders and they will start congratulating Rahul Gandhi left and right. 

What a brilliant idea given by Shashiji! It worked wonders. The fans of Modiji panicked for a while as Barrack Obama hastily asked the White House to dial Rahul Gandhi’s mobile number to give the congratulation message. This faux pass was averted thanks to the First Lady who luckily called up Barkha Dutt of NDTV to get the first hand updates on the new developments in India.

Needless to say that Rahul Gandhi is very happy to see the list of trending topics on Twitter. According to a young MP and close aid of Rahul Gandhi, Baba is so excited that he has taken one thousand screen shots of today’s list of trending topics to keep them as a memento forever.

Every Congress leader and party worker have come to know that the end is nigh. They have no other option but to pave way for the Enigma called NaMo. Thanks to Twitter they could see Rahul Gandhi as PM. Had it not been for Twitter, even that privilege would never have come along.

Now enough of Rahul Gandhi as PM and hurriedly over to Narendra Modi as PM for whom the nation awaits with bated breath.

My name is Robert Vadra and I am not corrupt. Nobody knows the excruciating pain I have been experiencing following the revelations of my alleged involvement in the corruption by Kejrival and co.

I am a patriotic citizen of India. I am a son-in-law of Italy. Had I wanted, I would have established my business empire in Italy. But I want the country of my birth to benefit from my out-of-box and underhand business deals. This is precisely why I chose to be in India.

Look at what my fellow country men have been doing to me. They should never bite the hands that feed them. My hands have grown so wide and strong that they can reach any nook and corner of India and feed the mouths where food doesn’t reach.

Following these allegations, do these morons think that I will be interested in doing social work any longer? They have dug their own grave. They have burnt all their bridges with prosperity. But I am safe as I have uncountable wealth stashed away in the lockers of the Swiss banks.

Nobody knows the truth how and from where these revelations have materialised. The Congress supporters are naive enough to think that the BJP is directing the Kejrival and Co from behind the scene ahead of the Gujarat assembly polls.

Alas! How misguided these die hard fans are!

The BJP is too busy dousing fire in its own backyard with so many prime ministerial candidates entering the fray. Then who is responsible for the latest skeleton to appear from nowhere? Well, the fact is stranger than fiction, isn’t it? I am the writer, director and producer of the magnum opus that is playing itself out on the TV screen near you.

But then you want to ask me why someone like me would want to blow his own chances of becoming the brother-in-law of future PM or if the god is willing, maybe the husband of future PM by getting maligned as a corrupt businessman. Well, there you got it.

I am sick of playing the second fiddle to these bumbling Gandhis. I want to become neither the brother-in-law of future of PM nor husband. The fact is I want to become the PM of this country. The late Feroz Gandhi and I hold discussions in my dreams. It is he who wants to see me as the PM of India. He wants me to fulfill his dream of becoming the PM as he strongly feels up there in the Heaven that the Gandhi dynasty has run its course and the time for another dynasty has come. The Vadra dynasty fits the bill perfectly.

Amidst all this hullabaloo Soniaji got very upset and expressed her desire to speak to me on phone. Now the PM is scared of her who takes her calls even when he is evacuating himself in the rest room. I decided to show the lady who the real boss is and kept her waiting on line for half an hour during which I had a perfect head to toe body massage from Thai masseuse and smoked three Havana cigars.

The lady sounded agitated and feared that her government was on the brink of collapse. I pacified her by saying that all the attars of Arabia might not be able to wash away the stink of corruption her government has raised but certainly all my money can save her government from toppling. She sounded relaxed and hung up before advising me to keep clear of the press.

If only she knew what I have been up to.

Even as Salmanji and Manishji hop from one TV studio to another to defend me, I am counting wades of crisp currency notes meant to be sent away to the Swiss Bank lockers where my money will continue to grow by leaps and bounds.

So much for Kejrival and his crusade against corruption.

Sriprakash Jaiswal is a national figure thanks to his statement that old wives are no fun. No sooner did this ill fated sentence leave his mouth than every wife old and young including husbands both married and yet-to-be-married jumped at his throat.

When the demand for an unconditional apology reached a shrill crescendo, Sriprakash Jaiswal beat a hasty retreat at sensing the hostility blaming the media for “quoting him out of context” and apologising only to those whom his remark had caused hurt. This selective apology is looking like a new trend setter. (One won’t be surprised if such selective apologies end up becoming the flavour of the season as tempers run high in the electioneering and tongues do the odd slipping acts here and there.) So much for an unconditional apology.

There are no genuine comic figures around. Gone are the days of Johny Walkers and Johny Levers. Lalu Prasad Yadav was the pioneer who introduced buffoonery into the art of politics and became known for infusing fresh lease of life into the monotonous parliamentary procedure every time he spoke as an MP while debating or introducing any controversial bill. Mr. Sriprakash Jaiswal is only carrying forward this tradition so that the scam struck common man gets a healthy dose of laughter once in a blue moon.

The government is kind enough to unleash on its hapless subjects a noble soul like Jaiswalji who finds it amusing to provide much needed comic relief. Media is a willing party in this laughter game of government. They will shove the mikes into the mouths of leaders turned comedians and show the footages of funny one liners to their viewers. If the script goes awry and the heat becomes unbearable, the media will happily accept its fate as the ultimate fall guy.

Sriprakash Jaiswal’s spin doctors have already fired the writer of their master’s funny one liners. The TV channels are also contemplating the move to sack the editors who quoted that old wife remark out of context. The winner in all this blame game is Sriprakash Jaiswal whose stock has risen overnight with the party high command sitting up and noticing him.

The moral of the story is getting into the limelight for wrong reasons is far easier than grabbing the attention for all the right reasons. Long live the temptation to become famous that drives every mortar being to act as a weirdo!


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Wow....!!! This Much Love.....!!!!

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