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Archive for the ‘Morality’ Category

Dear Pankaj Pachauri Sir,

Pratap Bhanu Mehta’s Indian Express column ‘While we were silent’ has created buzz throughout the day. You were right in saying that our country progressed while he was asleep. Pratap Bhanu Mehta’s column seems to have touched some raw nerve and it has indeed found many takers. Forget about takers, those takers are mostly on Twitter and Facebook. We need not take them seriously. But can you please explain to me as to how a person can remain asleep for nine years at a stretch?

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Okay, sir. Just don’t give me any explanation. You are in a very influential position. You know better. When you say Mr. So-and-so had been asleep for almost a decade, one must believe your words without an iota of doubt. Sir, Mr. PBM must have received a serious shock when you rolled out statistics along with graphs and tables.

One look at the statistics tweeted by is enough to convince anyone that employment has doubled. The corpus of PF for private sector employees has increased four fold. Agriculture wages have increased. Poverty has declined in the country. Telecom sector is booming. Rural tele density has crossed 40 from 1.5. As far as freedom is concerned, millions of Indians have used the RTI to keep an eye on public expenditure as a tool of transparency. Roads too are built.

The graphs are impressive. The data is mind blowing. The progress is enormous. India has never been in such safer hands before. Nobody must be in doubts now. Those who praised ‘While we were silent’ and jumped with joy have gone into hiding now as their joy has proved to be so short-lived.

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Sir, there are a few things that you could have done well to include in your tweets. Those omitted statistics would have made stunning graphs. Even those things our countrymen deserve to know. Please allow me to share them with you in case you had been asleep while they were happening. It is quite possible, isn’t it?

As far as poverty is concerned, it has indeed declined. How? Commonwealth Games wasted public fund only to the meagre tune of 101.02 crore. It is just a small bucket from a big ocean. Remember coalgate? Only 1,85,591lc. And then comes 2G spectrum. Again a paltry 309,845.5 but according to Mr. Kapil Sibbal ‘zero loss’.

After taking care of poverty, UPA regime moved heaven and earth to provide roof above people’s head and built The Adarsh Housing Society that captured the imagination of the whole country. It has contributed to banking sector also significantly by way of money laundering. Since India is a rich country and people have started resorting to air travel, the Railway was neglected. But UPA infused fresh lease of life into the Railways with the help of appointment scams.

Sir, another achievement that you seemed to have overlooked is Ashwani Kumar and Pawan Kumar Bansal voluntarily resigned from the posts of Ministers on the same day to mentor young and upcoming leaders of India. Our investigative agencies have no work left to do. Therefore, UPA has asked them to bring Salman Khurshid and Sriprakash Jaiswal under their scanners. Subodh Kant Sahai and MS Gill were dropped from cabinet to give more work to rusting investigative agencies.

What else? A Raja, Kanimozhi and Suresh Kalmadi visited the Tihar jail to examine the conditions prevalent in India’s jails. They spent great deal of time behind bars to prepare detailed reports to table before the Parliament.

The achievement that takes the cake is 15th Lok Sabha is likely to go down as the most disrupted house in history.

Sir, please do include these achievements in your graphical tweets next time.

Thank you.

Jai Hind.

Dear Ministers & Political Leaders,

I am the leader of all the goats and lambs in India. The intention of this open letter is to make the voice of my community members heard. My name is Lamb and I live in the vicinity of 10 Janpath. Today one of our community members has made our community proud.

At the young age of seven months, Chulbul has sacrificed herself to save the portfolio of one of the ministers who finds himself embroiled into the charges of corruption. Our intelligence report suggests that demand for my young community members is only going to go up as more scandals are likely to tumble out in the days leading to the general elections.

The mango man of this country may not know why high and mighty sacrifice young members of my community. Today one goat is sacrificed. And thanks to TV news channels entire country has come to know the important role we goats and lambs play in running the governments at both central and state levels.

The secret behind sacrificing us is we have direct connection with god. We can enter god’s room any time without knocking. We can barge into any high level meeting god is presiding over. We can wake up god from sleep any time. God loves us. He listens to our pleas and requests. He is accessible to us any time. This is why when our netas are in neck deep troubles, they come knocking at our doors. Before sending us to the Heaven, they tell the member who is chosen what exact message they want delivered to god.

This practise has been in fashion since time immemorial. Netas belonging to the ruling party (at the Centre) are our prime customers as more often than not it is they who end up as the targets of opposition’s sting operations and are exposed. When they fall out of High Command’s good books, they seek divine intervention and get in touch with us.

We never fail to deliver. My members are trained specifically for the purpose carrying netas’ messages to god in code languages so that the opposition doesn’t know what messages have gone up there. After my member reaches up there, Party High Command changes her/his mind within no time and ministers about to be shown the door are promoted up the order. The spin doctors successfully dress up that promotion of minister as some sort of punishment for the alleged misdeeds to calm down growing anger of mango men.

However, what is sad is after using our services the political class keep us at arm’s length. In many cases, ministers have promised the kith and kin of sacrificed members jobs and various government perks entitled to the VVIPs. But there has been no change in the condition of my community. None of the promises has been kept to our dismay. Even media persons ignored and refused to cover us for fear of offending the political class.

Today let it be known to the entire world that next sacrifice will not happen until special quotas in railways and civil aviation are reserved for my community members. The kith and kin of Chulbul (the goat sacrificed today) have placed a demand on record that one percent of amount taken in bribe must immediately be shared with them. Unless this happens, minister’s message will not be delivered to god and minister will get the boot in all likelihood.

I sincerely hope that following world wide attention we have received on social networking sites, netas will learn a lesson and start treating us with the respect we deserve.

Yours Faithfully.
Lamb.
All India Leader of Goat and Sheep Association.

Respected Honourable Justice Katju Sir,

The world would have been such a sadder place, had you not been around. You have been tirelessly entertaining your countrymen for past few months. Though 90% of Indians are idiots, they love you for providing hilarious moments full of the humour that has come to be the very hallmark of your personality.

The entire film fraternity has expressed outrage and shock at the Supreme Court that has upheld the film actor Sanjay Dutt’s conviction. The court has granted him five years rigorous imprisonment. By now everyone knows what Sanjay Dutt was found guilty of doing. There’s no need to repeat those details here.

Sir, you have really stirred the hornet’s nest by demanding that Sanjay Dutt should be forgiven. According to you he has already suffered enough. His ordeals have become the stuff the legends are made up of. The country is surprised to know that you have a soft spot in your heart for Sanjay Dutt. That’s really so nice of you.

Ever since you’ve observed that 90% of Indians are idiots, those 90% of Indians had been wondering whether you belonged to that group of 90% or not. But now the whole country has heaved a sigh of relief that you too are very much a part of the elite club of those 90% idiots.

You are seeking pardon for Sanjay Dutt on various grounds. Those grounds indicate how deeply you have studied the enigma called Sanjay Dutt before dashing off that letter to the governor of Maharashtra. Please forgive me for being obnoxious. But the fact is Sanjay Dutt is a father of three children, and not two; as you have wrongly written in your letter.

This is, however, a small error that can be overlooked since film stars tend to have colourful lives. And the number of how many children they have fathered is always under constant speculation. Having said this the most hilarious ground is since Sanjay Dutt revived the memories of Bapu – the father of our nation – through his portrayal of Munnabhai character in Lagey Raho Munnabhai, he is eligible for mercy.

This ground has left no one in doubt that we Indians are really idiots. Do we really need someone like Sanjay Dutt to remind us of Bapu’s huge legacy? If we want to remember Bapu, all we need to do is take a look at a ten rupee note. Bapu is aways there for us printed on the Indian currency notes observing silently how we spend our money.

Sir, you are a man of impeccable integrity. You neither seek (intentionally) publicity nor spend money. This is precisely why it took a convicted brat like Sanju Baba to remind you of Bapu. More power to your idiocy, sir. You have made every idiot world wide hugely proud of you.

Please continue to entertain your countrymen like this forever. In these strife torn and inflation ridden times, all we can afford is a few moments of harmless laughter. Only you can provide us those lighter moments. I would also like to congratulate you for showing the publicity hungry masses how to generate publicity without coming across as someone who is hungry for publicity. How to manufacture controversies has come to be an art. You are the master of manufacturing controversies and thereby gaining unlimited publicity.

Kudos to your penchant for managing to stay in the limelight through all the seasons.

Best Wishes for future heroics.

Yours Truly.

An Idiot.

My name is Robert Vadra and I am not corrupt. Nobody knows the excruciating pain I have been experiencing following the revelations of my alleged involvement in the corruption by Kejrival and co.

I am a patriotic citizen of India. I am a son-in-law of Italy. Had I wanted, I would have established my business empire in Italy. But I want the country of my birth to benefit from my out-of-box and underhand business deals. This is precisely why I chose to be in India.

Look at what my fellow country men have been doing to me. They should never bite the hands that feed them. My hands have grown so wide and strong that they can reach any nook and corner of India and feed the mouths where food doesn’t reach.

Following these allegations, do these morons think that I will be interested in doing social work any longer? They have dug their own grave. They have burnt all their bridges with prosperity. But I am safe as I have uncountable wealth stashed away in the lockers of the Swiss banks.

Nobody knows the truth how and from where these revelations have materialised. The Congress supporters are naive enough to think that the BJP is directing the Kejrival and Co from behind the scene ahead of the Gujarat assembly polls.

Alas! How misguided these die hard fans are!

The BJP is too busy dousing fire in its own backyard with so many prime ministerial candidates entering the fray. Then who is responsible for the latest skeleton to appear from nowhere? Well, the fact is stranger than fiction, isn’t it? I am the writer, director and producer of the magnum opus that is playing itself out on the TV screen near you.

But then you want to ask me why someone like me would want to blow his own chances of becoming the brother-in-law of future PM or if the god is willing, maybe the husband of future PM by getting maligned as a corrupt businessman. Well, there you got it.

I am sick of playing the second fiddle to these bumbling Gandhis. I want to become neither the brother-in-law of future of PM nor husband. The fact is I want to become the PM of this country. The late Feroz Gandhi and I hold discussions in my dreams. It is he who wants to see me as the PM of India. He wants me to fulfill his dream of becoming the PM as he strongly feels up there in the Heaven that the Gandhi dynasty has run its course and the time for another dynasty has come. The Vadra dynasty fits the bill perfectly.

Amidst all this hullabaloo Soniaji got very upset and expressed her desire to speak to me on phone. Now the PM is scared of her who takes her calls even when he is evacuating himself in the rest room. I decided to show the lady who the real boss is and kept her waiting on line for half an hour during which I had a perfect head to toe body massage from Thai masseuse and smoked three Havana cigars.

The lady sounded agitated and feared that her government was on the brink of collapse. I pacified her by saying that all the attars of Arabia might not be able to wash away the stink of corruption her government has raised but certainly all my money can save her government from toppling. She sounded relaxed and hung up before advising me to keep clear of the press.

If only she knew what I have been up to.

Even as Salmanji and Manishji hop from one TV studio to another to defend me, I am counting wades of crisp currency notes meant to be sent away to the Swiss Bank lockers where my money will continue to grow by leaps and bounds.

So much for Kejrival and his crusade against corruption.

Sometimes HCG and excitement go hand in hand especially for someone like me whose sole source of recreation is work work and more work. There has been hardly any dull moment during my tenure of past nearly two years at HCG.

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Although I have been a part of countless memorable evenings up till now, today’s evening has to be a cracker of an evening for it featured none other than the Honourable Union Minister for Health and Family Welfare Shri Ghulam Nabi Azad, the Chairman of HCG Dr. B S Ajaikumar and all the leading lights of HCG.

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The occasion was the inauguration of HCG’s dedidcated surgical oncology complex. The Chief Guest Shri Ghulam Nabi Azad did the honour amidst full media galore.

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In Chief Guest’s straight from the heart speech, he was full of praise for the pioneering work HCG has been doing to fight the deadly disease cancer while stressing upon the need for many similar initiatives and awareness programmes so that the benefits of cancer treatment might percolate down to the last man.

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While answering to the media queries, he was of the opinion that there is a lot to be done in the health care segment to exploit the latest developments and for their penetration into all the strata of society including far-flung areas.

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To round off this exciting evening, HCG announced that it has tied up with the Government of India to provide quality health care to one hundred districts as the ripple of excitement spread through the audience.

Finally the evening ended with all the guests socializing with one another over tea-coffee as the convoy of Chief Guest made its way out of the towering towers of HCG waving good-bye to the hosts.

How could such a wonderful evening come to an end if rains didn’t come? As if to show their support in the fight against cancer the light showers delighted the hearts of all guests which was really an icing on the cake.

The whole world has gone insane. How else can you explain such vile remarks and attacks on my integrity from all and sundry? They don’t know they are targeting a saint like me. The developments over past few months have pained me a lot to say the least.

Once upon a time the critics called Mrs. Indira Gandhi “gungi gudiya” for her alleged inability to give rousing speeches while addressing public gatherings. I am aware of the whisper campaign currently underway that describes such an honorable man like me as “gunga guda” for my deep and contemplative silence.

After all, what is there to speak? Kapil ji, Chidambaram ji, and Digvijay ji are all the time speaking. Sometimes they bribe my peon to steal the print-outs of my speeches and  replace them with the blank A4 papers. Then they shamelessly learn these speeches by heart only to reproduce them verbatim in the TV studios much to the dismay of my spin doctors who so painfully write my speeches.

All these underhand techniques of my cabinet and party colleagues have forced me into such a remorseful silence that the whole world is heaping scorn on me. I know that my integrity is beyond reproach. The scams have been around even before my premiership. It is not that all the scams have taken place during my tenure contrary to the impression that has gained ground.

I have always made it clear that I have nothing to hide. That I am ready for any debate on the floor of parliament. That I am all for the impartial inquiry of my roles into various scams that have unfortunately tumbled out of closets during the UPA regime.

The opposition has been baying for my blood. My own cabinet colleagues are giving contradictory statements with a view to pushing me out of Madam’s good books. The social media too is trying its best to create social unrest. Whoever is making life difficult for me doesn’t know that I am the best PM the country has seen till date.

To bolster my claim, here are a few achievements. I have put the Tihar Jail on the global map. Various scams with mind numbing zeros have flourished under my premiership. All this has contributed towards many Indians becoming multimillionaires to adore the cover page of the Forbes magazine. The list is endless. I can go on and on.

The media is the direct beneficiary of all the shenanigans that have taken place during my tenure. Thanks to all the scams and communal unrest in the recent past, the media has witnessed a steady growth in its circulation, TRPs and revenues over a period of time. Poor western media – buoyed by recession – cannot see its Indian counterparts doing so well.

This is precisely why they target me thinking it will bring a turn around in their fortunes. The Time cover-page was not only silly but also in a poor taste. Nobody (here or abroad) was impressed with the lousy job Time did. Instead of me losing my (already lost) reputation, it was Time that ended up damaging its own reputation.

This western press or media doesn’t like to learn from its own mistakes. Now as I write this diary, the Washington Post seems to have shot itself in the foot by calling such a man of fine repute like yours truly as a tragic figure who has fallen from grace. Can there be anything more comic than these juvenile observations?

The scribe Mr. Simon Denyer himself is a tragic figure since all those gentlemen he has spoken to before doing this piece on me have royally taken him for a jolly ride. Poor Simon Denyer doesn’t seem to understand that without grasping the local political permutations and combinations and equations if you sit down to write something as serious as that, your sources and facts tend to get all mixed up making you look like a tragic figure in the end.

The learned gentleman has little idea that my government and the party boast of years of experience in blaming on poor “foreign hand” everything that happens in this country. Then how can this foreign hand (scribe) come back to haunt me? I am really having the last laugh now.

Before I slip back into my preferred silence mode, one word of caution for Ambika ji who has been demanding an apology from Mr. Denyer who merely did as he was asked to do. She doesn’t know that my favourite film is Yash Chopra directed super-hit “Deewar”.

To quote the famous line from my all time favourite Deewar, “First go and get the signature of that person who inked on my hand that my father is a thief”, I think in view of the ongoing predicament, it would be more appropriate if first she went and got Madam’s apology for having listened to her inner-voice way back in 2004. While she is at it, she might as well go to the voters who voted UPA to power to get their apologies.

So many apologies are required. Whatever is happening is politically motivated for which as usual a foreign hand is to be blamed. Since I am not to be blamed for anything, please offer your unconditional apologies.

 

 

 

 

Honourable President Shri Pranab Mukherjee,

Please accept my sincere apology for taking a few minutes of your valuable time for the matter that is yet to concern you as of now. I know that you are still trying to feel at home amidst your new palatial surroundings. Moreover, there is a lot of pending work to do. But I, as a layman, request you to take out only a few minutes to read this letter which may serve as a reference point some time in future.

To tell you the truth, after a long time our country has got something to rejoice about. No, no, please do not misunderstand me. I am not talking about under-19 cricket team becoming the world champion by winning the world cup. In fact, I am talking about the Supreme Court’s verdict upholding the death penalty awarded to the lone surviving terrorist Kasab.

All the patriotic citizens of India are celebrating this verdict. Everybody is now relieved. The law has finally taken its course. The wheels of justice have come a full circle for Kasab and company for having waged war against our beloved country.

Our independent judiciary has delivered. Right from the lion-hearted policeman Tukaram Ombale who nabbed Kasab alive by risking his life to all the jail officials to all the public prosecutors and the judges deserve to be applauded and rewarded handsomely for ensuring that the justice is delivered. The families of the victims too must have heaved a sigh of relief.

The verdict must have sent a shiver down the spines of those who are secretly harbouring ambitions of waging war against India. The speedy execution of the verdict will forever seal India’s image as a soft state. Having said that the real test begins now.

As you are aware that amongst our political class there is a tendency to polarize society along the caste and religious lines to win votes. These folks have been playing one community against another since Independence. The country too has been suffering great losses in terms of everything on account of this short-sightedness. The fear is that some vested interests will try and play a bloody game by giving this verdict some political colour keeping the upcoming elections in mind.

My humble request to you is as the President of India, please do not allow this nonsense to happen. If and when the mercy plea of Kasab comes to you, without betting an eyelid please throw it out for this beast deserves no mercy. He has killed the innocents. He has shed the blood of those strangers who had never done any harm to him. The deadly bullets that left his automatic machine gun were meant to kill the human beings irrespective of their caste, creed and above all religion.

Does such a terrorist deserve any mercy? No, right? Instead he deserves to be sent straight to the gallows without any further delay. In fact, he has overstayed his welcome. He has eaten enough plates of Biriyani. He has watched enough Hindi films. He has hurt the pride of this country enough. Most importantly, he has murdered enough sons of this soil. Please spare no thoughts for such a terrorist. He is neither a human being nor he belongs to any religion. He is a death machine whose sole job is to snuff out the precious lives given by god.

Sir, you are the statesman of impeccable integrity. Your commitment to democracy and the esteemed post you are holding is beyond reproach. You know the impact of the mindless bloodbath. Being the honourable man you are, please do not let your countrymen down who are looking up to you to set an example by rising above petty opportunism to deny a victory to this country.

Thanking you for your patient reading.

Regards,

An Indian.


@GheTa

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Wow....!!! This Much Love.....!!!!

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