Dream

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Today is a sad day in the history of our democratic country. Rupee keeps crashing further. Sonia Gandhi took ill but thanks to our super specialists’ timely efforts, she returned home hale and hearty. The icing on the cake was the revelation that Robert Vadra the first son-in-law of our country is merely a small farmer. Not only India but the entire world is in shock at this revelation.

Robert Vadra has been in the news recently for all the wrong reasons. There are many who believe that Robert Vadra has made a lot of wealth and his personal net worth has sky rocketed ever since UPA’s reign at the Centre. So many op-eds have come out speculating his personal net worth and its mysterious sources.

But today mother of all revelations has proved in a single stroke that Robert Vadra is a poor victim of malicious campaign against him. He is a thorough and thorough gentleman who works as a small farmer somewhere back in the beyond. His personal net worth has always remained a big zero. On the other hand, like any other small farmer of this country even he has a debt of several thousand rupees on him. It is said that to pay off that small debt he approached several banks without revealing his famous mother-in-law and brother-in-law’s names. Obviously, the banks have turned out his request for loans. And as a result, poor Robert Vadra aka small farmer is forced to live in penury.

This is not some propaganda on the eve of general election. Nor this revelation is a ploy to repair ruling party’s both image and credibility. But the small farmer act of Robert Vadra is a hard hitting fact in the face of those who were projecting him as a multi millionaire son-in-law who was out to grab everything. As the news of Robert Vadra’s real vocation spread like a wildfire, the self proclaimed political analysts and so-called sources close to the first family were out there to enlighten anyone who cared to listen how this could benefit Congress party.

All said and done, if Robert Vadra is living like a small farmer with his in-laws running the country, it speaks volumes about their ruling capabilities. There are some former ministers who held important portfolios a few months back and who have successfully eradicated poverty from its very root. They are in a comfortable position. Their near and dear ones are also able to secure their livelihoods and there’s no immediate threat to their well heeled future. If the ministers could do this, why couldn’t the rulers themselves? This is really puzzling.

The well-wishers of Dynasty are in a terrible shock. They want the first son-in-law to be in a comfortable position. Instead of working in the field under the harsh sun rays, what they would like to see is Robert Vadra sporting imported goggles, posing for glossy magazines in tight fitting, muscle rippling t-shirts next to imported cars and bikes.

Who would like to see the only son-in-law in tattered dhoti and torn vest standing next to buffaloes and cows wiping mud from his unshaven face?
As a sycophant of the ruling Dynasty, I hope that the Republic of India will be spared those devastating images (if there are any).

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Who doesn’t know Manish Tewari? Manish Tewari is an I&B Union Minister. He also has a dubious distinction of trending on a popular micro blogging site Twitter on famous Bollywood actress Katrina Kaif’s birthday. The reason why he trended on Twitter on such a fateful day is once again he did what he is expert at doing. He shot his mouth off.

Everybody knows that Dr. MMS doesn’t speak at all. Manish Tewariji is a complete contrast to MMS. He speaks too much. He doesn’t try and understand whether his comments or observations are required and whether they’ll serve his party well or not. No sooner he sees camera crews from TV news channels than he starts speaking sometimes much to the chagrin of the party he represents.

On the condition of anonymity, some senior Congress leaders have admitted that a tacit understanding between ever silent PM and motor mouth Manishji does exist. It is mutually agreed by both PM and Manishji that while the former will observe an all time silence, the latter will start hyperventilating every time he comes within sniffing distance of a mike.

That said, after all who can forget his notorious jibe at Anna Hazare and his team? It was Manishji who had accused Annaji of corruption. But he had really met his match in Anna Hazare who took him to the cleaners by demanding an apology from him without delay. That public spat with Annaji helped Manishji score brownie points within his own party. This is precisely why every time Manishji suffers from the foot in the mouth disease, his party throws its full weight behind him.

But alas his luck seems to have run its course. This time around Manishji has reportedly earned the wrath of his party big wigs while taking a jibe at BJP for charging admission fee at an event in Hyderabad where Mr. Modi is the main speaker. The latest round of verbal dual between Manishji and BJP hasn’t gone down well with the party High Command. Rahul G is livid at the way BJP has attacked the central leadership of Congress on account of Manish Tewari’s potshot at Modi show in Hyderabad next month. Congress has been finding itself on back-foot ever since Mr. Modi’s elevation at the national stage. The party think tank has decided not to lock direct horns with the Gujarat CM. But Manishji has sounded the war of bugle without getting a green signal from 10 Janpath.

Rahul G has reportedly asked Manishji to avoid mikes and TV cameras until further orders. In the next party meet, Rahul G – it is learnt from the sources close to him – will welcome Manishji with a garland of five rupee currency note and advise him to keep that note as a token of appreciation for keeping his mouth shut in future.

Though many senior leaders feel that five rupee note is such a small amount for Manishji, Rahul G is believed to have convinced them by citing the fall of rupee from the grace. It remains to be seen whether Manishji will come out unscathed from his latest predicament. Those who know the gritty minister claim that this is like a storm in the tea cup for the beleaguered minister, trust him to kick off another another controversy to bring him back in the reckoning as soon as possible.

Dear Pankaj Pachauri Sir,

Pratap Bhanu Mehta’s Indian Express column ‘While we were silent’ has created buzz throughout the day. You were right in saying that our country progressed while he was asleep. Pratap Bhanu Mehta’s column seems to have touched some raw nerve and it has indeed found many takers. Forget about takers, those takers are mostly on Twitter and Facebook. We need not take them seriously. But can you please explain to me as to how a person can remain asleep for nine years at a stretch?

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Okay, sir. Just don’t give me any explanation. You are in a very influential position. You know better. When you say Mr. So-and-so had been asleep for almost a decade, one must believe your words without an iota of doubt. Sir, Mr. PBM must have received a serious shock when you rolled out statistics along with graphs and tables.

One look at the statistics tweeted by is enough to convince anyone that employment has doubled. The corpus of PF for private sector employees has increased four fold. Agriculture wages have increased. Poverty has declined in the country. Telecom sector is booming. Rural tele density has crossed 40 from 1.5. As far as freedom is concerned, millions of Indians have used the RTI to keep an eye on public expenditure as a tool of transparency. Roads too are built.

The graphs are impressive. The data is mind blowing. The progress is enormous. India has never been in such safer hands before. Nobody must be in doubts now. Those who praised ‘While we were silent’ and jumped with joy have gone into hiding now as their joy has proved to be so short-lived.

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Sir, there are a few things that you could have done well to include in your tweets. Those omitted statistics would have made stunning graphs. Even those things our countrymen deserve to know. Please allow me to share them with you in case you had been asleep while they were happening. It is quite possible, isn’t it?

As far as poverty is concerned, it has indeed declined. How? Commonwealth Games wasted public fund only to the meagre tune of 101.02 crore. It is just a small bucket from a big ocean. Remember coalgate? Only 1,85,591lc. And then comes 2G spectrum. Again a paltry 309,845.5 but according to Mr. Kapil Sibbal ‘zero loss’.

After taking care of poverty, UPA regime moved heaven and earth to provide roof above people’s head and built The Adarsh Housing Society that captured the imagination of the whole country. It has contributed to banking sector also significantly by way of money laundering. Since India is a rich country and people have started resorting to air travel, the Railway was neglected. But UPA infused fresh lease of life into the Railways with the help of appointment scams.

Sir, another achievement that you seemed to have overlooked is Ashwani Kumar and Pawan Kumar Bansal voluntarily resigned from the posts of Ministers on the same day to mentor young and upcoming leaders of India. Our investigative agencies have no work left to do. Therefore, UPA has asked them to bring Salman Khurshid and Sriprakash Jaiswal under their scanners. Subodh Kant Sahai and MS Gill were dropped from cabinet to give more work to rusting investigative agencies.

What else? A Raja, Kanimozhi and Suresh Kalmadi visited the Tihar jail to examine the conditions prevalent in India’s jails. They spent great deal of time behind bars to prepare detailed reports to table before the Parliament.

The achievement that takes the cake is 15th Lok Sabha is likely to go down as the most disrupted house in history.

Sir, please do include these achievements in your graphical tweets next time.

Thank you.

Jai Hind.

So much is happening in our country. Brave hearts are dying while undertaking rescue operations in Uttarakhand. Politicians are squabbling over who rescued how many people trapped amidst ruins. News anchors are grilling all and sundry under the comfortable guise of the-nation-wants-to-know. New films are hitting the cinema halls. Indian Cricket Team led by MS Dhoni is winning cups after cups. Rahul Gandhi is holidaying in some far flung country where nobody can reach him. The rupee is falling down at breathtaking speed. The list is long as so many things all around us are happening.

Amidst all this ha ha hoopla comes the news that the price of petrol is all set to receive yet another hike. This time around the hike is Rs 1.82 per litre. This means to say petrol became dearer once again. The timing of this news couldn’t have come at a more critical juncture. The country is yet to recover from the trauma and shock of Uttrakhand calamity in which several thousands have perished and a few hundreds have gone missing. The Congress and BJP are locked in a bitter fight over allegations of fake encounters that took place several years ago.

When nobody has time to protest or question the latest petrol hike, this hike has quietly surfaced from nowhere. And it seems that the culprits behind this latest petrol hike will go scot-free. Who cares for aam admi? A hike of few rupees isn’t a big deal anyway. The ruling party seems to cock a snook at aam admi at regular intervals by hiking the petrol price. Isn’t it worried about losing the votes of middle class? Has middle class stopped mattering to the ruling elite? Why then is this politics with the prices of petrol?

There are no political or social commentators out there at the moment who can possibly justify so many frequent petrol hikes. Everybody is busy with something or the other. The rich have cars and to them a hike of a couple of rupees every now and then doesn’t matter. The poor have two wheelers. The poor salesmen working in the metros get peanuts as their daily allowances. The dilemma is how to manage with such meagre allowances. The choice is between the food and the petrol. If a hapless salesman starves himself to save money for petrol, he cannot give effective presentation before his client.

If he cannot give effective presentation, his sales will suffer. As a result his productivity will come down. Once that happens, bosses will keep an eye on him and if things don’t change, poor salesman will get marching orders. If he compromises on petrol and keeps his two wheeler under nourished, naturally he cannot run around for appointments on time. Competitors will take advantage and slowly salesman will be out of business. Whichever way we look at the petrol price hike, a poor salesman is at a loss. For him it is like Devil and the Deep Sea.

Poor ruling party has ignored salesmen as its important constituents hook, line and sinker. This petrol price hike will surely push it out of power. All the salesmen are eagerly waiting for the General Elections. Let the party begin now.

Dear Ministers & Political Leaders,

I am the leader of all the goats and lambs in India. The intention of this open letter is to make the voice of my community members heard. My name is Lamb and I live in the vicinity of 10 Janpath. Today one of our community members has made our community proud.

At the young age of seven months, Chulbul has sacrificed herself to save the portfolio of one of the ministers who finds himself embroiled into the charges of corruption. Our intelligence report suggests that demand for my young community members is only going to go up as more scandals are likely to tumble out in the days leading to the general elections.

The mango man of this country may not know why high and mighty sacrifice young members of my community. Today one goat is sacrificed. And thanks to TV news channels entire country has come to know the important role we goats and lambs play in running the governments at both central and state levels.

The secret behind sacrificing us is we have direct connection with god. We can enter god’s room any time without knocking. We can barge into any high level meeting god is presiding over. We can wake up god from sleep any time. God loves us. He listens to our pleas and requests. He is accessible to us any time. This is why when our netas are in neck deep troubles, they come knocking at our doors. Before sending us to the Heaven, they tell the member who is chosen what exact message they want delivered to god.

This practise has been in fashion since time immemorial. Netas belonging to the ruling party (at the Centre) are our prime customers as more often than not it is they who end up as the targets of opposition’s sting operations and are exposed. When they fall out of High Command’s good books, they seek divine intervention and get in touch with us.

We never fail to deliver. My members are trained specifically for the purpose carrying netas’ messages to god in code languages so that the opposition doesn’t know what messages have gone up there. After my member reaches up there, Party High Command changes her/his mind within no time and ministers about to be shown the door are promoted up the order. The spin doctors successfully dress up that promotion of minister as some sort of punishment for the alleged misdeeds to calm down growing anger of mango men.

However, what is sad is after using our services the political class keep us at arm’s length. In many cases, ministers have promised the kith and kin of sacrificed members jobs and various government perks entitled to the VVIPs. But there has been no change in the condition of my community. None of the promises has been kept to our dismay. Even media persons ignored and refused to cover us for fear of offending the political class.

Today let it be known to the entire world that next sacrifice will not happen until special quotas in railways and civil aviation are reserved for my community members. The kith and kin of Chulbul (the goat sacrificed today) have placed a demand on record that one percent of amount taken in bribe must immediately be shared with them. Unless this happens, minister’s message will not be delivered to god and minister will get the boot in all likelihood.

I sincerely hope that following world wide attention we have received on social networking sites, netas will learn a lesson and start treating us with the respect we deserve.

Yours Faithfully.
Lamb.
All India Leader of Goat and Sheep Association.

BJP claims to be a party with a difference. In the recent past, its detractors have twisted this punch line to take potshots at party they hate the most. They try to poke fun at BJP and make their dislike known for it by twisting its punch line from party with difference to party within differences.

But today BJP proved that it is indeed a party with a difference. After announcing the new members of its much talked about Parliamentary Board yesterday, on April Fools day it also announced its Prime Ministerial candidate for the upcoming General Elections in 2014.

Mr. Rajnath Singh, the party president, held a press conference at the party head quarter in the Capital today and made the announcement by reading out a carefully worded written statement. “Today the top BJP leadership has decided unanimously that its prime ministerial candidate will be Rahul Gandhi. All the party leaders have come to a conclusion that if India wants to witness a revolution in development and infrastructure, if India wants to root out corruption, only one leader has it in him to do so. And that leader is none other than Shri Rahul Gandhi.”

Mr. Singh declined to answer visibly shocked reporters’ questions citing the lack of time due to his tight schedule much to the disappointment of the reporters. Soon after the announcement, he was whisked away in his car to an undisclosed location. His mobile phone was also switched off at the time of going to the press.

All senior party leaders of BJP are tight lipped about this mysterious and baffling announcement. What has prompted the party to endorse Rahul Gandhi’s prime ministerial candidature is intriguing all BJP supporters. The party workers are a shaken lot. They came to know about this development only when the TV news channels broke the news earlier on in the morning.

Die hard BJP supporters brushed this news item aside thinking that the TV channels were playing April Fools’ Day prank on their gullible viewers. And that soon BJP stalwarts would take the wind out of the sails of these news channels by issuing a presser to clarify the rumours doing the round. But till now no clarification from BJP on the announcement of Rahul Gandhi as PM candidate is forthcoming. This has sent the rumour mills into a tizzy. Is BJP a divided house? Where’s party’s development mascot the Gujarat CM Shri Narendra Modi? These and many more questions India is asking.

The Congress Camp was visibly jubilant. Overzealous party workers were seen as bursting the firecrackers outside Rahul Gandhi’s official residence. The sweets were also distributed at all the Congress party offices across the country. Quite surprisingly, neither Rahul Gandhi nor his senior party leaders have addressed media to give their reaction. When this reporter tried to interview one of the senior Congress leaders reportedly close to Rahul Gandhi, he declined to say anything on the record. Off the record he said on the condition of anonymity that it appeared to him that Mr. Singh had joined Congress and he had made that announcement at madam’s behest. But he also admitted that no such circular he had received from the High Command, and he was merely taking a wild guess.

Those who know Mr. Narendra Modi are sure that this is his brainchild. By announcing Rahul Gandhi as PM candidate, BJP has taken the fight to the enemy camp. Mr. Modi, the Hindu Hriday Samrat, is the indisputable choice in the race for country’s top job.As far as BJP is concerned,  it has indeed shown a greater degree of maturity so far by announcing the Congress man as its PM candidate.

Now the ball is in Congress’ court. If Congress has any shame left, without wasting time it should announce Mr. Narendra Modi aka NaMo as its prime minister candidate. That will even the score. The balance will be restored. And the country will witness the tightly fought General Election in next few months. Mr. Narendra Modi will lead BJP to a historic win and occupy the coveted post of PM. This is what India wants.

The IPL marketing managers have, so far, failed to arouse both interest and enthusiasm amongst the viewers. How they are going to grab the eyeballs is a million dollar question on every one’s mind. If, at all, IPL has dominated the news headlines; it has done so for all the wrong reasons. A couple of days ago there was a news item about the Sri Lankan players not allowed to play the IPL matches in Chennai.

Fortunately or unfortunately, the politicians have started using IPL as a tool to settle their political scores. Cricketers and the cricket managers have been deprived of an opportunity to milk IPL for their personal popularity and gains. Be that as it may, the fact that IPL is likely to prove to be a damp squib this time around has left the organisers a worried lot. Suddenly they have realised that the cricket fatigue is setting and the upcoming edition of IPL is yet to find many takers.

Since the stakes are high and big bucks are riding on the success of this IPL tournament, the strategy makers have gone into a huddle so as to come out with a winning formula that makes this edition of IPL a super success. The major stakeholders in IPL are not the players but beleaguered businessman like Vijay Mallya who is hoping that his team RCB will turn around the fortunes of debt ridden KFA and employees will finally receive their much awaited salaries.

In terms of debts, inflated egos, political rivalries and sinking popularity, there is indeed a lot that is at stake with regards to IPL. This IPL edition is a make or break for many stakeholders including players in more ways than one. Keeping all these factors in mind, the marketing in-charge of IPL has got a few game changing ideas in one of the brain storming sessions.

This self proclaimed reporter filed an RTI to get the minutes of the strategy meet of the IPL marketing team. According to the highly confidential documents available with this reporter, in the said meeting, a unanimous decision has been taken to withdraw all TV commercials featuring Farah Khan whose irritating dance moves have enraged the viewers world wide. There were reports of a few frustrated viewers having smashed their TV sets as soon as the ad had appeared on their TV screens. Somehow the IPL organising committee managed to stop those news items from making it to the headlines of the newspapers and TV news channels. 

However, with less than a week to go before the IPL tournament gets underway, all is not lost. The think tank has been surfing the latest trends in the cyberspace. The startling revelation is Justice Katju. His open letters have got an uncanny knack of ending up as the talk of the nation. These MBA guys have reportedly roped in Mr. Justice Katju to write an open letter to the cricket lovers. In his soon to come out open letter – the draft of which is being carefully reviewed – he is going to cite example of how this IPL edition is different from the previous ones and why watching IPL will improve the overall IQ of the nation and how each countryman will be doing a great service to the nation by watching those games.

This move will really hit the bull’s eye and do wonders for IPL and its popularity. In addition to Katju’s open letter, Sanjay Dutt has been roped in to file a petition in the court requesting that he be granted time till IPL is over to surrender. In the run up to the final date of IPL, a lot many things are expected to make the IPL tournament the top most trending topics across various online social  platforms.

Marketing is an art of making the shit hit the fan. Once the shit hits the fan, there’s no looking back. The IPL marketers are just going to do that. After all, isn’t everything fair in love and war?